In Memoriam

Today, I remembered that three years ago I had gotten the greatest news of my life. Yes in fact, I was pregnant again. Except this time I was carrying twins. It was the most shocking experience in my whole life. I asked the doctor repeatedly if he was sure, and he kept saying yes. To know that there were two lives inside me being created at once was just magical.

The sad part about this is that it was short lived. By April of 2006, there was only one twin who was alive the other had died. I found out that Charlie was still with me since I went to do a 4-D Ultrasound. It was heartbreaking! This was the first person I loved that passed away. Though I never saw my baby face to face, I knew the baby. I always had a notion that the baby was a girl. I called her Hannah, as I have always liked that name.

I never could mourn the death of my baby as it could make me lose Charlie. It was painful and hard not to cry as much as I wanted to, to scream, to anything. I was put on bedrest for the duration of my pregnacy and in the end I had a beautiful baby boy. There were people at the hospital on alert in case I went berzerk! My twin, my beautiful baby, though it has been three years now, I will never forget the baby who shook my world the hardest.

Right now we are all finally feeling better, no more colds, no runny noses, coughing, medicine and my throat is finally feeling better. It still hurts a bit, but it's finally getting better.

I have been thinking lately about my would be fifth child and whether to have him/her next year. The problem is my uterus since it's not as strong anymore, so I run the risk of bedrest again. I could be at high risk once more and the question is do I go for it? In my life, I have always wanted four children with me, I do have that in a way since I have been pregnant with four. I cannot imagine my life without my lovelies and their hearts and minds. I love kids and I am glad I have had the opportunity of being a mommy to three cutie pies.